I hate myself and my life.

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I hate myself so much lately and there’s no soul in the world that understands. I hate this.

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42382) I wish I had the courage to tell someone all my ED problems.

confessionsabouteatingdisorders:

But I can’t because then they’ll worry or tell me I’m not fat. I know I’m not fucking fat you idiot fuck! But it doesn’t matter if you say that because I’ll never be completely happy unless I can see space all up my thighs and show my tummy without dying of embarrassment.

Well, I don’t want anyone to ever see my thighs or tummy or my body even when I’m considered ‘underweight’, ‘skinny’ or ‘thin’, but nonetheless this is pretty accurate. Too bad that when you tell someone all your ED problems, they tell you all the wrong things although they think they tell you all the right things.. No one would ever understand so I don’t understand why I even bother to continue telling this person about what’s going through my mind at times..

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I gained weight. I cried at the bathroom at my work today because of it. I hated myself so much. I still do. I’m disgusting. It’s mostly because I don’t sleep that well lately and I didn’t eat much, but when I ate, I ate unhealthy. So I have to watch my calorie intake now. Going to post them here every day to remind myself to always go lower. I hate watching my calorie intake and what I eat, but I feel there’s nothing else I can do. I also hope this will make me go below 106, since I seemed to be stuck at that weight for ages.

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Sometimes (read: all the time) I feel like I could be a better person, a better daughter, a better sister, a better grand-daughter, a better niece, a better colleague, a better friend, a better girlfriend, a better pet owner, a better student, a better writer.. a better human being.

But I can’t be, ‘cause I’m a big fat failure.

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There’s this new girl at my work and she has such skinny arms..

Her hips are rather big and her thighs too, but she has really skinny arms. I’m the skinniest girl at my work (or used to be) and I think she’s skinnier than me overall and that makes me so competitive. Also, I’m the only one who gets compliments from customers and I get the most tips. I’m afraid she gets more compliments and more tips from now on. I really do not like that. I felt really uncomfortable working with her today. I felt like I had to be better than her in anything and everything I was doing while she was just not caring and being all cute and nice. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to be like this ):

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I think I’ve just purged blood and I’m scared now.

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There’s stuff going on in my life that make me sad and make my self confidence earth rocket to the depths of hell. I feel like I have no one to talk to. I just want to pack all my belongings and leave without anyone knowing where I’m going. No one cares about me.

It hurts to feel so alone when you’re surrounded by so much people daily, but have no one to really talk to.

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